My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
You Might Also Like
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Never forget.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet