Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
All. The. Damn. Time.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.