Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My friend is an excellent librarian.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.