Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
You Might Also Like
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
that’s really how it is
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.