We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
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