A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
You Might Also Like
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.