Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
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