Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.