Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My dating profile:
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.