friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
From my Mom
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Room with a view.
Not my job 😂
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
This is the best one I’ve seen
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Dear Lord..
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.