the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
He’s dead
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?