My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
This is my bus stop.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful