that lip filler tho
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pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
New mindset, who dis?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex