Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
In Canada they just call them geese
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.