Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I’m not wrong
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.