Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in