The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
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Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.