Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My blood type is b hungry.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.