I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Blew out my flip flop…
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
The game has officially changed 😎
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal