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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Oops I deleted….
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Yes, but it was never about money
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get