PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”