*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.