F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong