Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
You Might Also Like
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit