If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead