What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
You Might Also Like
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral