Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
You Might Also Like
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over