I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
They did not miss in the small print
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
You got this…