Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.