My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
based al yankovic
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.