I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby