My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
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I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.