dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.