Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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I鈥檝e been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it鈥檚 not longer than a week
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can鈥檛 read your mind.
The first few months of a baby鈥檚 life are crucial and so it鈥檚 important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My time has come.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
WIFE: good news hun we鈥檙e up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
google just released their AI and all I鈥檓 going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.馃槩
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Breaking news:
“That’s what” – She
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven鈥檛 sat down since.