The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now