I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…