Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
You Might Also Like
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE