Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
You Might Also Like
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.