Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
seems fine
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think