My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
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Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.