Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.