6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now