If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices