*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Facebook Twitter
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.