THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Well, shit
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.