Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Gemma Correll
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still