My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
the three branches of government
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
peak technology
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
an octopus is just a wet spider
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS