I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence