Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
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Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative