It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
A fake ID that makes you younger
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?